It was late October. Do you remember that crazy
warm day we had? Well, yes that day!
We were a small group of brothers and sisters
gathered for an important ceremony...a land offering for healing.

As I was preparing the space with smoke, laying out all the
blankets, organizing the items for the offer, this little lady bumblebee came to personally say hi to me.

She first landed on my hand. She explored my fingers, my palm, my knuckles her
touch was so soft and her presence stopped me in my busyness as if to say
I see you, I feel you and I'm so happy that you are here. The bumblebee
made me feel appreciated, special and most of all loved and nurtured. Her caress
and gentleness will be a gift that will be imprinted on my heart forever.

She remained with us during the whole ceremony. She was either on my hand, my knee or resting on my medicines. And once the offering was laid out, she joyously drank and ate some of the water, sugar and rose petals that were part of the gift to Mother Earth.

To each soul sister and brother she represented something different. For one she was symbolic of the Divine Feminine, for others it was community, productivity, and brightness. Her message came to us on many levels and we embraced them all.

As we were wrapping up the ceremony she seemed to have disappeared. It was special to have seen her at all for it had been very cold in the prior days and all the bees were already hibernating.

That evening, at home I came into the back entrance to check on my dog and there on the floor was our lady bumblebee. It appeared she had traveled home with me without my knowing. Unfortunately, she did not survive her journey with me. I felt so much sadness for the loss of her life. I gently picked her up and gave her back to Mother Earth with a song of sorrow and a song of joy. For she truly brought so much to us during our special ceremony for the Earth.

Aho!

🦋 Sickness in Disguise

I recently had the pleasure of experiencing
a crazy flu!
It left me in bed for a good part of 2 weeks
and it completely knocked me off my feet.

For someone who is very healthy this experience
was a little unsettling.

As a healer here is what I know to be my truth:

Sickness is an opportunity to reset oneself.

It is a time to reflect
cause what else do you have to do
when in bed!

It is a time to upgrade your "normal" health status.
And it's an opportunity to release all kinds of toxins;
chemical, viral, emotional & mental.

The predominant toxin that I released in
this latest experience was the emotion of FEAR.
I had no idea how deep seated a particular fear
I had embodied around a personal situation.

I had 3 days of letting the tears flow.
I reached out for support to simply have a soul sister
witness my fear. Once it all spilled out,
I could now release it lovingly.
I understood the deep lesson, and what
my next steps were.

Healing sped up like a flash of light.
And within no time I was back to a newer version of myself.
Feeling more energized and more wise for the experience.

So the next time you are sick,
maybe consider it an upgrade of sorts.
I guarantee you recovery will be faster.

Bring gratitude to your amazing body for all that it does.
Love it with the admiration of the divine.
For your body is divine.

Aho!

A Very Vulnerable Share...
On a more serious note I’d like to share and be vulnerable here for a few minutes. It's a long share so feel free to go get yourself a cup of tea and settle in for the read.
For those of you who follow me on IG and FB you may have seen some snippets of what life was like this summer for Grant and I.

This brings me to my beloved Grant. Grant has been dealing with cognitive decline since 2019. But the 2 months we were in the camper he literally went from mild dementia to full blown dementia.

Dementia is not new to me as my mother had it for several years before her passing. But the big difference here is that I was not my mother’s care giver. I did not live with her. And mom was unable to speak to us in any language (French or English). This meant we could not communicate.
With Grant he could speak his English and he had much to say. Grant started to experience “hallucinations”. I use this word gently as I fully know that he was connecting to the Spirit world – when I could not! The Oak Grove was a portal to the “little people” and the leprechauns where mischievous and having a lot of fun with him. Then his ancestors started showing up especially mom and dad. It would not be strange if mom was sleeping with us during the night. I thought wow maybe Grant is getting ready to transition.
​
But then something else started to happen, something called “sundowning”. This is where in my words alternate timelines, the veil to the Spirit world was thin and massive confusion was at play. He no longer understood where he was. He often would refer to upstairs and downstairs like we were living in the old house. But I will be honest none of it made sense to me.
And just when you think that isn’t bad enough he would wake up in the middle of the night not understanding or knowing who this naked woman was sleeping in bed with him. It frighten him so much that he got dressed and left the camper in the middle of the night to catch a bus. (okay no buses run through the farm). As I’m recalling these events with you I just want to cry. It was horrible, scary and so disturbing.

What came of all of this was that Grant could no longer process me as one person, so he started to separate me by his emotions. If he was feeling like he needed safety I would be his wife. If he needed comprehension of his mind I would be his therapist or some sort of teacher. If he was feeling unsafe I was literally a man who he felt was sketchy and if he felt he had no control I was the other woman who was bossy and bitchy. Every time I would walk through a door I became someone else. I’d never heard of this with those suffering with dementia. We never had this with mom because well maybe because we could not communicate.
​
Grant was aware of the way he was seeing me and open to discuss it. I learned a lot of what was happening with his mind.

My Lessons...

In shamanism we learn to work with the winds of the South (Serpent medicine). This medicine is about shedding your skin all at once. I realized that Grant was definitely giving me the biggest teaching of this. Imagine your identity to your beloved being dissected one piece at a time. I learned a lot about myself as he would freely share with me what he thought of each of these characters. I also acknowledge that I’m very much attached to these pieces of me. Having them slip away one at a time was a revolving death. So many parts of me were dissolving and dying.
Once moved into the new house Grant started to settle down. He was reunited with his belongings and this seem to give him peace and some grounding. I’m happy to announce that in the last week I have consistently been one person – aka wife (sweetie). You have no idea how much of a relief this is to both of us.

Dementia is frightening for both parties. I was in denial at the beginning and used to say this was happening to him (poor him). But if anything I am honest and I call bullshit on that. This happens to both of you as a couple.

Here is what really has come to light for me. Grant's survival is dependent on my care. When "they" don’t know you, your survival is dependent on you. Do you get what I'm saying here? When your loved one does not know you anymore, every part of their needs is on you. Something simple like watching TV is dependent on you because they no longer remember how to operate the remote.
But here is the scary part. When they don't know who you are and don't understand why you are in their house your survival is dependent on YOU. We can't know their minds and what they are capable of. Grant was never aggressive, but none of the less he scared me. I did not feel safe when he was in this state.
This isn’t over for us. I have no idea what is in store. I got an awakening call and a snippet of some of the bad. But as my family taught me at the farm you need to learn to pivot with the weather. Except this isn’t rain or snow we are concerned about it’s about the weather in my beloved’s mind.

My Reasons for Sharing...

I'm not sharing any of this for sentiments of "poor" Carole. I understand at a deep level Grant and I agreed on this at some point. I'm sharing because if you are going through anything similar with a loved one or maybe you yourself is feeling like you are forgetting a lot. Don't do this alone.
I'm so fortunate that I had a handful of friends and family who reached out to help. Simply having my sister and her husband near me meant the world to me. I wasn't alone during this difficult time.
Find a way to have some alone time. Grant was and still is attached to my hip. He reminds me of a 3 year old who does not want to be alone nor wants to do anything alone. I'll be honest I crave alone time. Sometimes I feel I can't breathe.
Try not to loose your cool. This is not easy. As caregivers especially when we are the spouse we get frustrated and loose our shit. Do your best to not do this. It only makes things so much worse.
Go with the flow. In the beginning this is not easily done. But like all things when you get enough practice you get the hang of it.
Explore medications. Yup this was difficult for me and for Grant because we are not fans of pharmaceuticals but desperate times requires desperate solutions and with the hope they are temporary.
Think ahead what do you want the outcome to look like. As our Doctor said in time things will only get worse. Now not sure if I'm a believer on this, but the important thing is does your loved one believe this? We know a thought becomes a thing.
You need to ask the hard questions now while they can still answer for themselves. Do they want to end up in a nursing home completely sedated on meds. Is this the life they wish for themselves and for you to go through. What are the alternatives? MAID??
​
So much to consider.
So much to learn.
So much to experience.
This fight is not over, but I can't do it alone. I need my village
​
Aho,
Loving you,
Carole

I was reflecting on the season of Fall the other day.
This little gem had something to share with all of you.

Hope you enjoy!

"My beginnings surface from darkness,
My un-manifested Self
makes my way to an opening.

I emerge just like a butterfly from it's chrysalis stage.

My colors are vibrant & green,
My skin is shiny,
My spine is strong,
My veins are flowing with life.

I gently follow the sun,
I open myself to receive thousands of light codes.

In the gentle night I reflect in the moonlight.

I adorn my master day after day,

Come Fall I display the magic of transformation.
My performance is breath taking,
I release a scent that is uniquely mine,
And my colors...
change from green to yellow, orange, red & brown.

Although, my time is nearing the end to most who perceive
my detachment as death,

I'm here to tell you a different story.
The secret is that this end is only the beginning!

For I fall to the Great Mother Earth
and cover her for the first snow to come.

My decomposition nurtures many of my relations
of microbes, organisms and worms alike.

The Great Mother & I, through this season
co-create. We are manifesting the essence of my new
life through matter & darkness once again.

For what? To emerge in a higher frequency, a higher version
of mySelf in the spring!

What am I?

I am a leaf not separate from who you are!"


Aho!