He's Always Been Forgetful

When I heard those words they cut me like a knife.  The very vulnerable part of me that was expressing my concerns about my beloved's failing memory was diminished in one sentence: "He's always been forgetful!"

My immediate reaction was to slash out, rebel, plead my case, but I realized that was a waste of effort.  How would she know?  She spends a few days every five years with  him. 

How would she know?

Waiting and watching someone slip into the abyss of cognitive decline is not an experience I wish upon anyone.  And yet there it is for him and for me.

Those words were spoken a number of years ago and as his primary caregiver there isn't a whole lot of time to reflect for we are busy making decisions for two.  However, recently I sat with it, those words.  I finally made some sense out of them.

My beloved has always been forgetful if I am to be honest.  But my interpretation of that was he did not remember certain things because they held no importance to him.  He dismissed them. I always interpreted those instances as it wasn't worth the space in his head.  Move on!

Over the last decade a different kind of forgetfulness started to happen.  You know your birthday, anniversaries, special occasions, vacations once enjoyed, names of friends, places you've frequented often, streets, land marks, places, things.  We could fluff those ALL off as aging--sure for awhile.

Now it's evolved.  Now it's as if this world the one we've always known together is dissolving like salt in warm water.

On his behalf there is an awareness of it happening, but there is nothing for him to grab on to.  Nothing he can root down on.  He is the leaf and I am the branch.  His world revolves around me holding him to the one we share together.   This stage is tender, vulnerable and very very delicate.

I'm afraid it won't be long now. 
He (the leaf) will let go of the branch (me).

​Aho

PS I'm blogging about the journey of cognitive decline with my husband, Grant.  This serves 2 purposes: One it heals me to share the other it heals you to witness.

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